musings of mine

yesterday i happened to go to Majestic City in pursual of my newly accquired habit; buying dvds and watching them till my eyes hurt. it was noon and Galle Road was packed with people of all ages and dress sense(s?)

i watched as beggars called out to me. and as i gave one some change another would ask..and another and another. i had started a chain reaction. i seemed to be the only one who was bothered by the calls of ‘ane nona salli denna..badagini’ i asked myself…why so much poverty? why so many beggars? are they genuine, or this a gimmick for them?

as i continued to walk along the Galle Road, i was whistled at and i think a pervert brushed up against me. i think women are now immune to the cat calls and the ‘ah nangie’ and the ’su su’ that is uttered by many a young man on the streets nowadays. it struck me at then; Lankan men are extremely uncivilized!

i wish there was something i could do. i wish reading a book or writing a letter to someone, or marching in protest will make something happen. there’s so much bureaucracy and…politics in this country that whenever you want to do something right you end up dissappointing yourself more than anyone else. just caring and wanting, doesn’t cut it. i wish someone would teach the arrogant sons of lanka the value of the english language so that along with their abc’s these kollas on the road will also adopt some manners!

sigh….thinking about all of this is getting me depressed. i can only hope that in the midst of the crossovers and increasing number of IDP’s and rising cost of living; someone, somewhere will DO something because he or she truely gives a damn about what happens to this country. i’m not doing much either…i’m just blogging…..

i have a memory span of two seconds i think. i remember, vaguely, that there was something i wanted to blog about but now..no luck. damn. i’m listening to nelly furtado’s ‘why do all good things come to an end’ pretty good if i do say so myself. amazing how she transformed her style and image…she’s looking so hot now! lol..

now i’m trying to wrack me brain to remember what  wanted to blog about..but can remember na..i know it was something interesting cos it came to me while i was sitting in the car, while waiting for ammi to get dinner and then i remember thinking ‘ah must blog about this..tis of the interestingness..’ but now i cannot remember.

damn…will post if by any chane i do remember..what a waste of brain juices! 

so this morning i woke up at 5.45, put on my saree, took the handbag and went down flower road into the gates of Ladies College. Why? because i’m a teacher there ane!

One thing i enjoy most in life, apart from other cravings of the flesh, is teaching. it is the one thing i can do that gives 100% self satisfaction. and i also like wearing saree!!

only problem is that at the end of the day when i come home at 8pm, after work i’m really really tired. which in a way is good. my mind cannot and will not dwell on the…lack of communication. and that nagging thought at the back of my head is ignored while my tummy calls out for food..

 so anyway i’m sitting here with me spectacles on trying to think of something interesting to blog about but nothing comes to mind..except the one thing i DON’T want to be remembered of. it’s so funny how when you don;t want something to happen or when you don’t want to do or think about something thats the very direction your thoughts decide to float towards….thoughts are floating there now…sigh..

three years ago i didn’t think i’d ever be happy. three years ago i didnt believe in long distance relationships let alone relationships. two and a half years ago hope was born within me. hope that there was something out there…someone who was there for me. a year ago it hit me, life wasn’t gonna get any better. a month ago i realized that the word ’soul mate’ wasn’t fictitious but actually existed.

here i sit. staring at the damn screen. hurting so much inside. i realize that everything happens for the best, but that selfish part of me so badly wants him back. i guess it realy struck me two nights ago..while i stared into a glass of (awful) rockland rum that whatever happened i’m gonna have to stop feeling so damn miserable. i don’t have much of a choice. he’s there. i’m here. he’s still mine. it could be worse.

i’m a real softy, i’m so pathetic. this i type as tears stream down my cheeks as i listen to barbra streisand and brian adams sing ‘ finally found someone’ damn. i’m a blady drama queen. me and my histronics. someone knock some sense into me. Puhlease! nadi? nat? where u boo?

Someone recently asked me why i’ve lost interest in social work/community service. my reply ‘i can’t be bothered’

i can’t be bothered because i end up being the only one who’s really worried while someone else is thinking how many more hours of this shit they have to put up with. i can’t be bothered because it hurts me when i can’t really achieve what i wanted to because i was the only one who wanted to achieve something. i can’t be bothered because i can’t really change the fact that half the people my age are desentisitized. i can’t be bothered because no one REALLY bothers about orphans and illiteracy and the increasing need for the english language and the fact that no one’s doing anything to make sure this need is met. i can’t be bothered because people would rather spend their money on booze than on meals for an under nourished kid in lunuvilla or potuvil. i can’t be bothered that the fact that chikunguniya is slowly killing people in the north because they don’t have access to proper medicine, and no one’s doing a damn thing about it cos no one knows! i can’t be bothered because all people do is talk and say ‘mahinda this’ and ‘mahinda that’ and does absolutely nothing. i can’t be botherd because my conscience bugs me so much i’m learning to ignore it. i can’t be bothered bothering…because they’re are too many people bothering about the wrong thing.

that’s why i’m not bothered. it’s because i’ve bothered so much i’d rather not bother anymore and join the unbothered, desensitized, cynical, complaining cows down here in this wonderful island called Ceylon.